It's the most wonderful time of the year...

...or so it would seem. For a lot of people, in fact, most of the people that I talk to they love this time of year. Thanksgiving is just a day away and right around the corner is Christmas and New Years. Me, not so much.

This time of the year, I always find myself very melancholy. The biggest reason I believe, is that my parents, my grandmother and my older brother are all deceased. During this season, more than the other times of the year, I find myself *wishing* more often than normal. I do not wish for material things that can be bought. I wish that things were different. I wish that my parents were still here, I wish that my older brother had loved life enough that he hadn't taken his own. I wish that my grandmother (who raised me) was still living and well. I wish that my brother and half sister and I were closer than we are. Sigh...I just wish....

Also during this time, I find myself questioning God more. I ask him "why?". I do not understand the reasons behind the fact that my whole family is practically gone at my young age of 34. They were gone for most of my life. I ask God why can't it be different. Why couldn't I just at least have one parent still living? I am sure that God has a great lesson for me to learn in this or something that I can take away from my experiences and use to help someone else. However, it is hard for me to see past my own sadness. I asked Darrin yesterday if he would help me come up with some ideas of something that he and I can do at Christmas time so that maybe I won't feel so sad, so alone. I think that Darrin and I need some 'traditions'. He mentioned going to the homeless shelter - I think that is a good idea.

Another reason is that this season has become SO commercialized! People think you really can't enjoy the holidays unless you max out your credit cards buying gifts! I miss the days that you got a few gifts that you really wanted rather than a bunch of stuff that you really don't care about. I don't get why we all feel it is necessary to spend hundreds of dollars on each person we buy for. Why can't we just give and get from the heart? Why do I often feel like I have to fall in that trap also? Why do I feel pressured to spend big? Why do I feel pressured to measure up to someone else? Why do I not just sit and really let the 'Reason for the Season' sink in and really learn what Christmas is all about?

What about you? Do you love this season? Are you going to do the same things this year or something different - something more meaningful?